Hey dude, check out the hottie! WHOOOO!

Can't think of a word I hate more right now than 'hottie'. It's just such a frat boy date rape roofies-in-the-Diet-Sprite-and-gin-mix for a foreign man loving the big American breastesses on a 14-year-old boy's first word spoken through his penis being yelled from the back of a Denny's on a Tuesday night after prom listening to a early-morning shock-rock radio DJ screaming into the microphone wearing black pleather hotpants and a denim halter at the mall taunting 500-lb. construction workers with beer guts and panty lines showing through white pants at the biannual PTA meeting bake sale where fat desperate housewives and menthol cigarettes talk about the last night they didn't have but should've had, dammit. You know?

Hey, you!

Yeah, you, you fat fucking redneck piece of shit. You can take your fucking radio knobs and jam them directly up into your colon, for all I care. Hell, discovering the joys of inserting things up into your own asshole might make you slightly less of a complete prick - who knows? Let me know if it gives you any kind of happiness, because I'd love to introduce your puckery little nubbin to the toe of my boot one fine spring day.

The next time you're fucking the sister you tell everyone is your wife, tell her I said hello, k? Thanks. Oh, and if you happen to come across the watch I lost up in her cavernous twat, hang on to it for me. Mickey must be feeling rather disoriented by now, I'd say...

Got that, NASCAR boy? Am I coming in loud and clear enough for you? Good.

Now FUCK. OFF.

True love? Bad! Torturing? Good!

Ok, now this seriously pisses me off.

A cineplex in Sandy, Utah has pulled 'Brokeback Mountain' from their theaters because the sheep-fucking, Dr. Pepper-swilling Mormon Church had a problem with it. Oh, they won't SAY they have a problem with it, of course not. They'd never actually admit to being a bunch of closed-minded, right-wing, hypocritical, homophobic, Bible-thumping jerkoffs, but actions certainly do speak louder than so many words.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the #1 movie at the box office this past weekend was the splatter-fest 'Hostel', a horror movie about the exploits of two Ugly Americans that go fucking their way across Europe and wind up as prisoners in a pay-for-play torture house aimed towards rich tourists. I haven't seen it, but from some of the reviews I've read, it's extremely graphic. Tons of gratuitous T&A, toes getting cut off with bolt cutters, eyes being plucked out, surgical tools and chainsaws running hither and thither - the works.

Look, I don't have a problem with 'Hostel', or any horror movie, for that matter. You wanna make them? Go for it. I hope you make a mint. You wanna watch them? Be my guest. I'll be in the den re-watching 'Bambi'.

But what I do have a problem with is the atrocious level of hypocrisy being shown by any self-righteous Mormon dickhead that can have horseshit like "I just think (pulling the show) tells the young people especially that maybe there is something wrong with this show" fall out of their mouth while speaking about 'Brokeback Mountain'. Oh, I see - a movie about two men falling in love shouldn't be seen by anyone in the entire state of Utah, but a movie about people torturing one another in exchange for money? Hell, pass the popcorn, Wife #2!

That's right, Gayle Ruzicka, president of the conservative Utah Eagle Forum, I'm talking to you. How can you find it perfectly acceptable to oppose a movie like 'Brokeback', yet say absolutely NOTHING about a movie like 'Hostel'? People shouldn't be able to see homosexuality, but if they want to see people being killed in a slow and painful manner, that's perfectly alright? How does that make sense?

What exactly do you have against two people falling in love? Don't mean to spoil it for ya, Gayle, but at the end of the movie, it becomes apparent that the two icky gay men won't ever be able to fully realize their love for one another, and will have to spend the rest of their lives pining for something they know they'll never have. Hell, one of them even gets killed! By bigots! Now doesn't that sound like a happy ending? Something that even a joyless fuck like yourself could leave the theater cheering about?

Now that the subject of torture has been tossed onto the table, let me say this - Gayle, when you and people of your ilk die, I hope for only one thing. I hope that right as you take your last breath, your eyes open, your mind expands, and you see yourself, finally, as the hate-mongering, bigoted fool that you are.

People, I gave you a link a few paragraphs ago where you can get in contact with people like Gayle. I advise you to use it.

Time to rip off Trent again.

You know, I think everybody watches Survivor, but no one admits to it. The show has been on for 11 seasons, maintains some of the highest numbers in TV history, and yet hardly anyone I ever talk to watches it anymore. Yeah, sure you don't. It just watches itself, and all those ugly pastel-colored buffs just buy themselves, too. Uh-huh. People, know that if I could check your credit card bills at the end of every month, I would.

But anyhoo, just got some news about the upcoming season of the show you never watch. Interested? Of course you are.

Ok, here's the main scoop - four tribes to start, divided pretty harshly among age and gender lines. The hidden immunity 'doll' from last season will be back again, which I LOVE. I think that's the best new addition to the show since, like, ever. A friend of mine told me he actually had a dream about the hidden immunity idol the night after it was introduced, and I think that's pretty damn great. Hell, at least he admitted to watching the show at all.

Given that the season is called "Panama: Exile Island," you gotta expect a big-time twist in there somewhere, right? Right. In addition to booting someone off every week, the tribe that loses the Reward Challenge every week will have to choose one of their members to go to Exile Island. Yes, it's an actual place - the exilee (is that a word?) will have to fend for themselves on Gilligan's... I mean, Dharma Industries... I mean, Exile Island until the next Immunity Challenge. Harsh! It was heartbreaking enough to see Super Steph have to pull a Blair Witch two seasons ago, but to have to see it every week? Golly. I wonder how long it will take for the truly attention-whorish Survivors to volunteer to go to Exile Island. I mean, some of them are aspiring actors, right? Or at least waiters and waitresses. It's all about camera time, baby.

Ok, now for the newest guinea pigs. Check it out -

52-year-old Dan Barry is a former NASA astronaut who is a veteran of three space flights. Barry participated in four space walks.

Austin Carty is a published author. His novel "Somewhere Beyond Here" was published in 2003. The novel revolves around a young man coming to grips with the fact that his mother is dying. A customer review on Amazon.com calls the book "an expensive coaster or a good way to start a fire".

Bruce Kanegai, 58, is a karate instructor and art teacher from California.

Terry Deitz is a retired U.S. Navy fighter pilot.

Tina Scheer is a female lumberjack whose only child was killed in a car accident a week before Scheer was to leave to be on "Survivor Panama".

Aras Baskauskas, a 24-year-old yoga instructor from California.

Bobby Mason, a 32-year-old attorney from California.

Cirie Fields, a 35-year-old nurse from South Carolina.

Courtney Marit, a 31-year-old performance artist from California.

Danielle DiLorenzo, a 24-year-old medical sales representative from Florida.

Melinda Hyder, a 32-year-old singer from Tennessee.

Misty Giles, a 24-year-old engineer from Texas.

Nick Stanbury, a 25-year-old financial salesman from Arizona.

Ruth Marie Milliman, a 48-year-old director of retail leasing from South Carolina.

Shane Powers, the 35-year-old owner of entertainment marketing company from California.

Sally Schumann, a 27-year-old social worker from Chicago.

Five Californians! Woot! The whoring begins February 2nd on CBS, of course. Be there.

Oh, and all this info came from here.

Alright now, hey. Come on.

Home sick from work today, as I woke up about 8 this morning and started hocking up brown things that resembled baby squirrels. Oocky. So anyway, bouncing around the interwebby thingamadoodle just now and came across this.



I mean, honestly. The only thing that could make this picture better would be if the guy was holding up his long-ass girl hair to make the tattoo more visible. Lemme buy you a PeeChee folder, dude. You could use the money you'll save on tattoos to buy yourself a gun rack. (Thoroughly disgusting picture courtesy of Pork Disco.com)

Decisions, Decisions

Can't decide if this was a nice, relaxing weekend or a phenomenally boring one. Granted, I was sick for most of it, so I didn't accomplish even a fraction of what I wanted to, but still - here I sit on Sunday night in my third consecutive hour of staring at this damn monitor. What have I been looking at? Who knows. It all just blends together after a while.

I could go outside right now, drop a pin, and someone would lean out their window and tell me to shut up. Seriously.