. He bites. Hard. 
So bossy.
I always end up with the biggest psychopaths for bosses. There will be an ice storm in Hawaii before I find myself working for a calm, mellow, rational person who understands that having to work a day job sucks. Someone with the ability to comprehend that yes, sometimes alarm clocks don't ring, busses run late, and traffic gets heavy.
I end up with the type of people that you catch reading 'Management for Dummies' in their office with the door closed during lunch breaks. I once worked for a woman with a truly crippling eating disorder that affected every mood, decision, and action she took over the course of the six years I was stuck working for her. She'd work an entire 8 hours without eating so much as a rice cake, and then wonder why she was always getting called in to her bosses' office for throwing yet another conniption fit at someone for next to nothing at all. She once caught me reading the newspaper at my desk at 8:05 AM, and proceeded to run into her bosses' office and break into a marathon crying jag for the rest of the day because of it. 'Why does he hate me?! I think he's so cool!', she moaned. Ugh. Two people thanked me the day I finally got her ass fired.
At a mailroom job I had in San Francisco, I worked for a woman that seemingly had some kind of delusional infatuation with Elvis Presley. I once said to her in casual conversation how much of a jerk I thought Colonel Tom Parker was, and she actually YELLED at me for it, and told me that Tom was nothing short of an angel, and ALWAYS had Elvis' best interests at heart. Um, okay.
I'm currently working for a man with a truly astonishing case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. He tells me he can barely stand to walk through the warehouse I work in without covering his eyes because of the microscopic layers of dirt on everything. He has a 'nervous breakdown' (his words) every few weeks or so because the trash hasn't been taken out for a few days. I started this job a number of months ago, yet he still finds it necessary to repeat the details of every task I need to do for my job in exactly the same manner he did when I first started. I'm surprised he doesn't introduce himself to me every day when I arrive. He assumes a freakishly high level of glee when I tell him that everything I have to do for the day is done, because that means he gets to walk around rubbing his hands together while giving me 20 more things to do before I can leave. This conversation usually happens around 4:45. Guess what time I get off for the day? Yup.
I can't lie - I've had a few good bosses. Shortly after I got I-Never-Eat-Anything-Ever shitcanned for her abusive, negligent behavior that caused who knows how many people to quit, I worked for a man that I have a wonderful friendship with by the name of Stephen. Stephen understood the fact that sometimes you just need to take a long-ass lunch to talk shit about the CEO, and that you just need to sneak out back after work and huff a big fat bowl to take the edge off. That's the kind of person we need more of in this world. Not OCD-addled freaks with FAR too many compulsively dusted and re-dusted pictures of their fat, ugly children on their desk, and not anorexic worry-warts that so desperately need a big, fat dick in them that you're almost tempted to do it yourself. Just normal people. Sane people. People like you and me that do need to work, (and maybe even like what they do) but also need for that big ol' clock on the wall to strike 5 so they can get on with their real lives.
For all the cool bosses out there, this one's for you. Thanks.
p.s. Can I have a job?
I end up with the type of people that you catch reading 'Management for Dummies' in their office with the door closed during lunch breaks. I once worked for a woman with a truly crippling eating disorder that affected every mood, decision, and action she took over the course of the six years I was stuck working for her. She'd work an entire 8 hours without eating so much as a rice cake, and then wonder why she was always getting called in to her bosses' office for throwing yet another conniption fit at someone for next to nothing at all. She once caught me reading the newspaper at my desk at 8:05 AM, and proceeded to run into her bosses' office and break into a marathon crying jag for the rest of the day because of it. 'Why does he hate me?! I think he's so cool!', she moaned. Ugh. Two people thanked me the day I finally got her ass fired.
At a mailroom job I had in San Francisco, I worked for a woman that seemingly had some kind of delusional infatuation with Elvis Presley. I once said to her in casual conversation how much of a jerk I thought Colonel Tom Parker was, and she actually YELLED at me for it, and told me that Tom was nothing short of an angel, and ALWAYS had Elvis' best interests at heart. Um, okay.
I'm currently working for a man with a truly astonishing case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. He tells me he can barely stand to walk through the warehouse I work in without covering his eyes because of the microscopic layers of dirt on everything. He has a 'nervous breakdown' (his words) every few weeks or so because the trash hasn't been taken out for a few days. I started this job a number of months ago, yet he still finds it necessary to repeat the details of every task I need to do for my job in exactly the same manner he did when I first started. I'm surprised he doesn't introduce himself to me every day when I arrive. He assumes a freakishly high level of glee when I tell him that everything I have to do for the day is done, because that means he gets to walk around rubbing his hands together while giving me 20 more things to do before I can leave. This conversation usually happens around 4:45. Guess what time I get off for the day? Yup.
I can't lie - I've had a few good bosses. Shortly after I got I-Never-Eat-Anything-Ever shitcanned for her abusive, negligent behavior that caused who knows how many people to quit, I worked for a man that I have a wonderful friendship with by the name of Stephen. Stephen understood the fact that sometimes you just need to take a long-ass lunch to talk shit about the CEO, and that you just need to sneak out back after work and huff a big fat bowl to take the edge off. That's the kind of person we need more of in this world. Not OCD-addled freaks with FAR too many compulsively dusted and re-dusted pictures of their fat, ugly children on their desk, and not anorexic worry-warts that so desperately need a big, fat dick in them that you're almost tempted to do it yourself. Just normal people. Sane people. People like you and me that do need to work, (and maybe even like what they do) but also need for that big ol' clock on the wall to strike 5 so they can get on with their real lives.
For all the cool bosses out there, this one's for you. Thanks.
p.s. Can I have a job?
posted by Yummsh at 1:30 AM - Permalink
holla back, girls! - (0) comments thus far
