Two girls - one big, one small.

First, big shouts to my girl Elizabeth! Woot! I'm amazed that someone's actually out there reading this thing. Those Ugg boots don't really go with those shorts, honey, but hey - if anyone can make it work, it's you.

Second, tiny little shouts to my girl Sarah, who celebrates her second birthday today. Remember when you were young and nothing mattered and the only thing there was to do in the world was play, laugh, and enjoy every last second of it all? When I look at her, so do I.

Much love to them both...

Chloe Schmoe.

Chloe already has her own store, for chrissakes. Daniel? He could go on TV and ask for donations from every straight girl in America and have more money to make clothes than Michael Kors and Heidi 'The Twat' Klum combined. Santino? Lives with some guy that's starred in an amputee porn video.

Give it to the man, for god's sakes. Fierceness to follow.







That first one looks bulletproof. Loves it.

I agree that he didn't really turn up the Santino enough to completely blow me away, (like I KNOW he's capable of) but honestly - the fashion world is about attitude. Divas. King-sized egoes making thimble-sized clothes for people you don't know and aren't rich enough to hang out with. Who better to fit that stereotype better than Santino? I guess Chloe's line was the most consistent, but in a year or so, I doubt I'll care. Too nicey-nice for me, thanks.

My Heart Will Go On...

...was the theme song from another movie that didn't deserve to win Best Picture, but I digress.

Hey, kids! Go to this website and tell those assholes to cram it. Why? Here's why.

"I think America sent a message to those in the industry that this isn't something that they're interested in, and hopefully this was something that weighed heavily on them as they voted for these pictures," said Alan Chambers, president of Orlando, Florida-based Exodus International, a Christian organization that promotes "freedom from homosexuality."

Uh, not that I think I need to argue with a complete fucking idiot, but since when does America vote for who wins the Academy Awards? 'Crash' was the safe choice, the easy choice, the choice made to not piss off assholes like Alan Chambers. I don't think Hollywood is homophobic, but what I do think it is is scared shitless of losing even more money than it already is. Piracy is murdering the movie industry, and exactly what it doesn't need right now is fewer asses in seats than it's already getting thanks to a ticked-off Christian right. Give Ang the Oscar for Best Director, and give Best Picture to 'Crash'. It's called splitting the difference, and it's not like it hasn't been done before.

Eh, whateva. I could go on for days. Besides, what am I saying? Everyone knows that Hollywood is run by the Jews, anyway.



Good job, Jon! I'm sorry the brain-dead, gluttonous dullards of America didn't like ya, and will be calling for that delightful Billy Crystal to return next year, but mazel tov anyway. We all know who gets the last laugh...

Oscar time, Oscar time, across the U.S.A.!

Oscar time, Oscar time, yeah yeah hey!



They're today, by god, and I can't wait. Piles of great movies came out this past year, despite Hollywood's bitching that they didn't make enough money to keep their limousines rolling and their noses sniffing. Fuck 'em, anyway. I was pleased as punch all year long.

Here's my picks for the major awards. Dig it.

Best Picture -

Should win - Brokeback Mountain. Has any movie had this much effect on popular culture and society than this one in a long, long time? I think not. Congrats, Ang!

Will win - Brokeback should take it, but the dark horse is obviously Crash. Haven't seen that one, but if it wins, someone somewhere got a great big check.


Best Actor -

Should win - Heath Ledger. C'mon, the guy was doing musical versions of medieval romances a few years ago. Break him off some, eh? You know he was the red-hot shizz this year.

Will win - Phillip Seymour Hoffman for 'Capote', and I'm damn well fine with that. He rocked rocked rocked, and I'll be happy as a pig in shit if he barks his acceptance speech when he wins it. Congrats, Phil!


Supporting Actor -

Should win - The only movie I've seen in this category is Brokeback, so it's hardly fair for me to make a pick. To be honest, I don't think Jake was as good as Heath in this flick. I thought he was a whole hell of a lot better in 'Jarhead', actually. Would've been interesting as hell to see Jake get the Best Actor nom for that flick, then gotten to watch him have to go head-to-head (pardon the pun) against his Brokeback fuck-buddy Heath for this award. Heh. Talk about sexual tension.

Will win - George Clooney. He's having a hell of a year, so why not?


Best Actress -

Should win - Felicity Huffman for 'Transamerica'. I have a nagging feeling that Reese Witherspoon is being hyped like a mothafucka to win this, ($29 million, my ass) but personally, I gotta give it to the woman whose other job is acting in the most annoying, white-bread, mainstream television show ever. Way to break a mold, chickie.

Will win - Grumble, grumble. Reese, I guess. Told ya - I got a feeling.


Supporting Actress -

Should win - Whoa, I just don't know here. Michelle Williams for 'Brokeback' and Catherine Keener for 'Capote'? Decisions, decisions!

Will win - Gotta feeling for Catherine here. It's all good.


Animated Feature -

Ok, I'll stop with the annoying 'Should Win/Will Win' shit now. Jackie Harvey, I ain't.

There are three powerhouses in this category, and I just don't know who to pick.

Tim Burton's 'Corpse Bride' tickled my inner Goth kid until she just about peed, and then cutesy-ed the enormous chip off my shoulder, to boot. Loves it. A win for Tim would be fabulous.

Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit is my secret favorite, but don't tell Tim. Giggled my ass off in this one.

Howl's Moving Castle - a win for this would be a win for the geeks. Basement doors of parent's houses everywhere would all bang open simultaneously, and a cry of 'BEST. OSCARS. EVER!' would resound triumphantly across the land.


Best Director -

Ang Lee should really, really win this. C'mon - his last movie was 'The Hulk', which everyone and their mother downright hated him for. What amazing competition, though - Bennett Miller for 'Capote', Steven Fucking Spielberg for his masterpiece 'Munich', and George Clooney for the one movie I really wish I had gotten the chance to see in the theaters this year, 'Good Night and Good Luck.' If Ang's got any real competition here, it's Clooney and Steve. This is the one to watch, for sure.


Documentary Feature - Another close race here. 'Murderball,' 'March of the Penguins', and 'Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room'. I think the Penguins are gonna march right up in their tuxedos and take this sucker home. My pick? 'Murderball'.


Best Make-Up - Ok, only reason I'm mentioning this here is because it's the only category that 'Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith' got a nom for. Yeah, Star Wars movies aren't exactly Oscar material. I'll admit that all damn day. BUT, why this flick didn't get the nom for Visual Effects is completely beyond me. Seriously - ILM geeks spend all damn day creating the stuff that all the other effects studios end up stealing six months later. Oscar, you can kiss my lava-singed ass.


Original Score - Brokeback. How many times have you heard those four guitar notes this year?


Original Song - Okay, my pick is for Dolly Mothafuckin' Parton's 'Travelin' Thru'. It's from 'Transamerica,' and not only is it a great song, but it's Dolly. Love that bitch. However, I would like to see 'It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp' from Hustle and Flow win, if only so that they could go down in history as being the only Oscar winner with 'Pimp' in their title.


Short Animated Film - One Man Band. It's Pixar! Represent!


Visual Effects - Once again, fuck Oscar right in his gold-plated ass for dissing the ILM crew here. If I have to pick a winner here, I'll take Kong. Loved me some monkey movie this year, but it's also because I don't want that Christian group-grope 'The Chronic-What-Cles of Narnia' to win. Hells no.


Adapted Screenplay - Brokeback, again. It won the Golden Globe. No reason it shouldn't win here, too.


Original Screenplay - Good god, I haven't seen one movie in this category. I'll take Clooney, though, if only because both his flicks are in this. Oh, and also because that giant inflated queen Rex Reed will have an enormous heart attack and die if Clooney wins.


Hope ya'll had fun tonight. May the Gayest. Oscars. Ever. leave you laughing, crying and walking hopelessly bow-legged for weeks and weeks to come.