. He bites. Hard. 
Praise be to The Butt-Ugly Messiah!
Ok, so now that Jesus Has Risen, let us all pretend that Shiloh Nouvel has done a little dance and made a little love right around the imminent path that Her Royal DNA will lead her down. Just for funsies, k? K.
So Shiloh's butt-ass-ugly. Who cares, right? The New York Times doesn't. The Post doesn't. The blogs do, but hey - they're just a bunch of asskissing gay men trying to get a little closer to Kimberly Stewart so that they can make fun of her capri pants, so fuck 'em. Hang them from the highest marquee. Regardless, She is Living, and She is Among Us. She is a songbird, jumping high and free upon the summer breezes that flow from Her very nostrils, and from there She drops scoops of the rainbow-flavored ice cream that flows forth from Her diaper into the waiting mouths of Her subjects below.
But lo, all is not well in Shilosity. The Truth is being destroyed by the truth. Hordes of attacking plastic surgeons are beaten back from the shores of the walled fortress Namibia on a daily basis. Lindsay Lohan tries countless times on countless nights at Misshapes to ruin the relationship that Shiloh has with her 12 nannies, wrecking her BMW in the process. For her treason, she is force-fed a regular diet, given a job at a tuna cannery, and made to live in Ohio. She mysteriously explodes a week into her sentence, and the planet rejoices. Praise Shiloh.
The unrest continues. The first picture of Shiloh paid off the national debt of the United States 11 times over, but suspiciously, prices have been dropping ever since. Shiloh accidentally left her pictures in a photo booth on the boardwalk one weekend, and there they stayed, undisturbed, for over a month's time. Movie studios, fashion magazines, and paparazzi death squads the world over file for bankruptcy. Everyone in Shiloh's presence bows their heads low, but not for the reasons one might expect. Jennifer Aniston is rarely seen in public anymore when she isn't laughing maniacally. All is not well in Shilonia.
No one dares say anything, but something must be done. A movie with Brad, Angelina, and Shiloh is planned, ("Two Saviours And A Baby") but it runs into the ground when McG pulls out due to a rapid succession of broken camera lenses. Charlie's Angels 3 is released soon after, grosses 11 billion, and saves California from its fate of being sawed off and pushed out into the ocean. Brett Ratner is penciled in to take over the Shiloh flick, but runs for cover when it becomes apparent that there is actually someone in the world uglier than he is. The movie is then shelved, Brangelina retire from movies altogether, and the world slowly adapts to the announcement that Kimberly Stewart and Brian Austin Green will be taking over the "Mrs. & Mrs. Smith" franchise. The Blogspot.com file servers explode in an enormous fireball, and Manhattan island floats halfway to Europe before anyone really notices.
To be continued...
So Shiloh's butt-ass-ugly. Who cares, right? The New York Times doesn't. The Post doesn't. The blogs do, but hey - they're just a bunch of asskissing gay men trying to get a little closer to Kimberly Stewart so that they can make fun of her capri pants, so fuck 'em. Hang them from the highest marquee. Regardless, She is Living, and She is Among Us. She is a songbird, jumping high and free upon the summer breezes that flow from Her very nostrils, and from there She drops scoops of the rainbow-flavored ice cream that flows forth from Her diaper into the waiting mouths of Her subjects below.
But lo, all is not well in Shilosity. The Truth is being destroyed by the truth. Hordes of attacking plastic surgeons are beaten back from the shores of the walled fortress Namibia on a daily basis. Lindsay Lohan tries countless times on countless nights at Misshapes to ruin the relationship that Shiloh has with her 12 nannies, wrecking her BMW in the process. For her treason, she is force-fed a regular diet, given a job at a tuna cannery, and made to live in Ohio. She mysteriously explodes a week into her sentence, and the planet rejoices. Praise Shiloh.
The unrest continues. The first picture of Shiloh paid off the national debt of the United States 11 times over, but suspiciously, prices have been dropping ever since. Shiloh accidentally left her pictures in a photo booth on the boardwalk one weekend, and there they stayed, undisturbed, for over a month's time. Movie studios, fashion magazines, and paparazzi death squads the world over file for bankruptcy. Everyone in Shiloh's presence bows their heads low, but not for the reasons one might expect. Jennifer Aniston is rarely seen in public anymore when she isn't laughing maniacally. All is not well in Shilonia.
No one dares say anything, but something must be done. A movie with Brad, Angelina, and Shiloh is planned, ("Two Saviours And A Baby") but it runs into the ground when McG pulls out due to a rapid succession of broken camera lenses. Charlie's Angels 3 is released soon after, grosses 11 billion, and saves California from its fate of being sawed off and pushed out into the ocean. Brett Ratner is penciled in to take over the Shiloh flick, but runs for cover when it becomes apparent that there is actually someone in the world uglier than he is. The movie is then shelved, Brangelina retire from movies altogether, and the world slowly adapts to the announcement that Kimberly Stewart and Brian Austin Green will be taking over the "Mrs. & Mrs. Smith" franchise. The Blogspot.com file servers explode in an enormous fireball, and Manhattan island floats halfway to Europe before anyone really notices.
To be continued...
posted by Yummsh at 12:46 PM - Permalink
holla back, girls! - (0) comments thus far
