Not only should Halloween be a holiday...

...but it should be dark outside all day, as well. The sun shouldn't shine, and it should be about 70 degrees outside all day and night, too. Maybe throw in some spooky wind here and there for the Halloween effect. No one should have to work, food and beer should be free, and everyone should roam the streets for 24 hours straight, just like in a Romero zombie flick.

There should be huge roaming packs of people all pretending to be zombies, and other packs of people pretending to be the outnumbered survivors of the zombie holocaust carrying paintball shotguns. See a fake zombie? BLAM! Kill them, and then laugh about it with them over a free pint of orange beer down at the pub.

All the ladies should have costumes on that aren't necessarily sexy in a sluttish sort of way, but more along the lines of sexy in a brains-leaking-out-of-their-skulls kind of way. Candy should be air dropped from B-52 bombers over every city all over the world on an hourly basis, and Danny Elfman's music should be wirelessly broadcast from every speaker everywhere. Tim Burton should organize the midnight rave party and fireworks show, too.

I spent part of my Halloween today at Target, listening to housewives tell each other how when they take their kids out for trick-or-treating, it will count as their workout for the day.

Sigh.