. He bites. Hard. 
Oh, and just so you all know...
Brandy is APPALLED. I'm not sure about what, but just know that she is.
APPALLED!
APPALLED!
posted by Yummsh at 6:45 PM - Permalink
holla back, girls! - (0) comments thus far
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Stupid People
Example #1 -
I'm convinced that everyone that frequents my supermarket is an idiot. Yeah, let's stand in the middle of an aisle with a HUGE basket of groceries while talking to four of our friends. While we do this, let's be as loud as possible and be sure to block the entire width of the aisle with our absolutely enormous asses. Then, when someone has the audacity to try and get by, let's give them nasty looks and begrudgingly move, but just enough so that they barely have enough room to squeeze by. Yeah! Let's do that!
Example #2 -
Remember that idiot I told you all about a week or two ago? The client-turned-former-client of mine that I dumped because he was being an asshole? Yeah, that guy. I get an email from him today that is entitled "Hopefully", and reads as follows -
"One last request if you could? I just wanted to change the first 2 prices
under "on site arrival" to $125 and $175. I have some mailers going
out and I realized a discrepancy want a conflict.
Hope you can help"
As soon as I stopped laughing, I ignored that shit like I was President Bush at a UN Security Council meeting. HAHAHA! What a dumbfuck. I'm sure he's sitting by his computer, just WAITING for me to mail him back, too. Anyone wanna respond to him for me?
Example #3 -
From Yahoo! News:
Cheney: Hillary Clinton would not be good president
Wed Jan 24, 5:41 PM ET
WASHINGTON (AFP) - US Vice President Dick Cheney said that Democratic Senator Hillary Clinton will not win the White House in 2008 and would not make a good president if she does.
Cheney, who in October had called Hillary Clinton a "formidable candidate" who "could win" the race to replace US President George W. Bush, told CNN television "I don't" think she would make a good leader.
Asked why, Cheney replied: "Because she's a Democrat. I don't agree with her philosophically and from a policy standpoint."
Alright, so Dick thinks Hillary won't be a good President because, um, she's a Democrat. Oh, and also because he, like, doesn't agree with her and stuff. Not only on vital issues like foreign policy, healthcare, and national security, but on the important stuff, too. I mean, she TOTALLY voted for Taylor Hicks like a MILLION times last season, y'know, and that's just, like, lame. WTF is her problem, anyway? Dick HATES that bitch, and is TOTALLY gonna steal her boyfriend next year.
Example #4 -
Dear Danny Bonaduce and Tom Sizemore,
Look, if you two assholes are so goddamned depressed, kill yourselves. Seriously! Who would miss you outside of your families? It's not like you have legions of fans that hang on your every word, so do us a favor and eat a barrel, k? Tom, dude - I love 'True Romance', but man, your last movie did $30 at the box office. Thirty dollars! That's it! You wouldn't be able to buy an eightball for that much, so instead of forcing the world to give you the attention you need by creating a reality show about your worthless ass, go buy a gun and put yourself... no, put US out of our misery once and for all.
Danny, you personify everything that I always hoped would happen to the macho assholes that put me through hell for a lot of my life. You're strung out on your own tough-guy bullshit, and now you've painted yourself into a corner with it. The only person I feel more sorry for is every single individual that has ever come into contact with you and has subsequently had to endure your obnoxious, self-righteous ass.
Is this the next generation of reality television shows? Spoiled, middle-aged white guys that get hooked on drugs and too much attention who decide to make the world pay for their mistakes by buying a camcorder and putting themselves on television? I think the only thing sadder than that is that a few of them have decided to breed.
I'm convinced that everyone that frequents my supermarket is an idiot. Yeah, let's stand in the middle of an aisle with a HUGE basket of groceries while talking to four of our friends. While we do this, let's be as loud as possible and be sure to block the entire width of the aisle with our absolutely enormous asses. Then, when someone has the audacity to try and get by, let's give them nasty looks and begrudgingly move, but just enough so that they barely have enough room to squeeze by. Yeah! Let's do that!
Example #2 -
Remember that idiot I told you all about a week or two ago? The client-turned-former-client of mine that I dumped because he was being an asshole? Yeah, that guy. I get an email from him today that is entitled "Hopefully", and reads as follows -
"One last request if you could? I just wanted to change the first 2 prices
under "on site arrival" to $125 and $175. I have some mailers going
out and I realized a discrepancy want a conflict.
Hope you can help"
As soon as I stopped laughing, I ignored that shit like I was President Bush at a UN Security Council meeting. HAHAHA! What a dumbfuck. I'm sure he's sitting by his computer, just WAITING for me to mail him back, too. Anyone wanna respond to him for me?
Example #3 -
From Yahoo! News:
Cheney: Hillary Clinton would not be good president
Wed Jan 24, 5:41 PM ET
WASHINGTON (AFP) - US Vice President Dick Cheney said that Democratic Senator Hillary Clinton will not win the White House in 2008 and would not make a good president if she does.
Cheney, who in October had called Hillary Clinton a "formidable candidate" who "could win" the race to replace US President George W. Bush, told CNN television "I don't" think she would make a good leader.
Asked why, Cheney replied: "Because she's a Democrat. I don't agree with her philosophically and from a policy standpoint."
Alright, so Dick thinks Hillary won't be a good President because, um, she's a Democrat. Oh, and also because he, like, doesn't agree with her and stuff. Not only on vital issues like foreign policy, healthcare, and national security, but on the important stuff, too. I mean, she TOTALLY voted for Taylor Hicks like a MILLION times last season, y'know, and that's just, like, lame. WTF is her problem, anyway? Dick HATES that bitch, and is TOTALLY gonna steal her boyfriend next year.
Example #4 -
Dear Danny Bonaduce and Tom Sizemore,
Look, if you two assholes are so goddamned depressed, kill yourselves. Seriously! Who would miss you outside of your families? It's not like you have legions of fans that hang on your every word, so do us a favor and eat a barrel, k? Tom, dude - I love 'True Romance', but man, your last movie did $30 at the box office. Thirty dollars! That's it! You wouldn't be able to buy an eightball for that much, so instead of forcing the world to give you the attention you need by creating a reality show about your worthless ass, go buy a gun and put yourself... no, put US out of our misery once and for all.
Danny, you personify everything that I always hoped would happen to the macho assholes that put me through hell for a lot of my life. You're strung out on your own tough-guy bullshit, and now you've painted yourself into a corner with it. The only person I feel more sorry for is every single individual that has ever come into contact with you and has subsequently had to endure your obnoxious, self-righteous ass.
Is this the next generation of reality television shows? Spoiled, middle-aged white guys that get hooked on drugs and too much attention who decide to make the world pay for their mistakes by buying a camcorder and putting themselves on television? I think the only thing sadder than that is that a few of them have decided to breed.
posted by Yummsh at 5:41 PM - Permalink
holla back, girls! - (0) comments thus far
Monday, January 22, 2007
Razzie Razzie Woo Woo!
I love the Oscars as much as the next guy, but come on - the shitty movies of the year are sometimes just as interesting as the good ones. In response, we have The Razzies - the yearly awards for the worst movies of the year. Now, far fuckin' be it from me to try and assume some lame-ass post-ironic goes-to-film-school-on-a-trust-fund hipster swagger and try to prove how cool I am by telling you how many of these stinkers I actually saw in the theater. However, before everyone in the whole goddamned world starts sucking each other's dicks today about how "life-affiriming" this movie was or how "spellbinding" that movie was, let's just cut the shit and pass the corn.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... The 2006 Razzie Nominations.
WORST PICTURE
Basic Instinct 2 - One of the first of many I didn't see. Being that it only made like 5 million bucks in the box office, you didn't either.
Bloodrayne - Uwe Boll's latest piece of shit turned out to be a piece of shit. Shocker there.
Lady In The Water - See, this sucks. I like Shamalamadingdong, but from what I heard, this thing was a mess. Note that I just typed "from what I heard".
Little Man - This thing reminds me of that old Eddie Murphy bit about getting drunk and voting for Jesse Jackson. "Let's go see Little Man." "Yeah!"
Wicker Man - Yet another in a long line of Nicholas Cage shitbombs. Dude, what happened? If you ruin "Ghost Rider", I'm gonna hunt you down and set YOUR head on fire.
WORST ACTOR
Tim Allen - The man's a multiple felon of craptasticness. "Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause". "The Shaggy Dog". "Zoom". He makes 3 shitfests, and still manages to make more money than I'll ever see in my lifetime. Tim, you and Nick Cage need to get together and go bowling.
Nicholas Cage - Speak of the devil.
Larry The Cable Guy - Looks like you went and got 'er done just fine, man. Ending your career, that is.
Rob Schneider - You know, I saw this guy one time in a movie theater in San Francisco, and I'll crap out a dozen nickels if he's more than five feet tall. Bonus points to anyone who can name the TWO Suckapaloozas this guy was in this year.
Marlon & Shawn Wayans - Ok, call me Kramer for saying this if you need to, but what the hell is it with black comedic actors that find it necessary to dress up like midgets or white girls or big fat black women to be funny? C'mon, Eddie Murphy - "Norbit"? What the fuck is that shit? You have the ability to make me piss my pants from thousands of miles away, and THAT'S what you stage a semi-comeback on? Anyway, remember the hot white girl in the Fly Girls on "In Living Color"? Man, she was hot.
WORST ACTRESS
Hillary & Hailey Duff - I couldn't be further from their demographic if I tried, but I'm really looking forward to seeing them get a little older and have to start making shitty someone-stole-my-baby movies on Lifetime instead of shitty someone-stole-my-boyfriend movies for the Disney Channel.
Lindsay Lohan - I don't really need to say anything, do I?
Kristanna Loken - Who?
Jessica Simpson - Unfortunately for her, tits do not equal acting ability. Fortunately for her, people that saw "Dukes of Hazzard" don't give a shit about acting ability and just wanna see some tits. You know what? Fuck this high-minded bullshit. Boobies rule! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sharon Stone - They should've skipped Sharon altogether and just put Amy Poehler in there instead. How much worse could it have been?
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Danny DeVito - He's never going to be funnier than he was in "Throw Momma From The Train". Except for his appearance on "The View", that is.
Ben Kingsley - Ghandi doing a Uwe Boll movie. Now I've seen everything.
M. Night Shyamalan - Here's a tip, Shammy - if you're going to insist upon being in your own movies, keep it to non-speaking roles. Non-speaking roles that don't cast you as a writer whose latest work will someday save the world, in particular. Christ.
Martin Short - Peaked with "Innerspace". Sorry.
David Thewlis - No! Not Professor Lupin!
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kate Bosworth - So she wasn't the best Lois Lane. I loved Bryan Singer's Superman, but yeah, she was a little off the mark. Rachel MacAdams would've been dead perfect, though. Yup.
Kristin Chenoweth - Hey! Another multiple offender. "Deck The Halls", "Pink Panther", and "RV". Don't worry, Kristin. I'm sure lots of tourists from the Midwest will continue to see "Wicked" for quite some time.
Carmen Electra - Oh, who cares. It's Carmen fuckin' Electra.
Jenny McCarthy - Spraying mustard on a hot dog for Rolling Stone? Brilliant. Hooking up with Jim Carrey? Wise. Doing anything but staying home and spraying mustard on a hot dog for Jim Carrey? Stupid.
Michelle Rodriguez - Ana-Lucia haters, unite!
WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Tim Allen & Martin Short - Ugh. I'm sure you two are the heartthrobs of the stay-at-home mom crowd, but otherwise? Fuck off.
Nicholas Cage & His Bear Suit - No shit, that's what the nomination says. "Nicholas Cage & His Bear Suit".
Hilary & Haylie Duff - See you both in 10 years on Skinemax.
Sharon Stone's Lopsided Breasts - I'd much rather see Amy Poehler's lopsided breasts.
Shawn Wayans & EITHER Kerry Washington OR Marlon Wayans - Oh, whatever. You know all three of these idiots are going to make another movie this year, so what difference does it make?
WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF
Little Man - Little Man 2 should open on the Fourth of July! HELL YEAH!
Pink Panther - Peter Sellers should rise from his grave and kill all of you! HELL YEAH!
Poseidon - Shelly Winters should rise from her grave and sit on all of you! HELL YEAH!
Wicker Man - Nicholas Cage should make "Raising Arizona 2". HELL YEAH!
The Shaggy Dog Story - Did anyone actually see this? HELL NO!
WORST PREQUEL OR SEQUEL
Basic Instinct 2 - Amy's skinny, but obviously really smart. Smart chicks are sexy.
Big Momma's House 2 - Is Eddie Murphy in this? Because I'm not seeing it unless Eddie Murphy is in it playing at least 9 roles.
Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties - I hope Bill Murray bought something really stupid and extravagant with the paycheck he got from this.
Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - Oh, "Clause". I get it.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - And the end.
WORST DIRECTOR
Uwe Boll - Winner!
Michael Caton-Jones - Seriously, Mike, Amy Poehler would've been great. She's even got the smoker's cough.
Ron Howard - Hey, I saw this one! How could he POSSIBLY have screwed up "The DaVinci Code"? He and Chris Columbus need to get together and go bowling. In hell.
M. Night Shyamalan - I wonder how many mirrors Shammy has on his sets at any given time.
Keenan Ivory Wayans - So Kee, seriously. The white Fly Girl. You still talk to her?
WORST SCREENPLAY
Basic Instinct 2 - Dear Joe Esterhuas: If the screenplay for the first movie was written ABOUT Sharon Stone's vagina, then this one must've been written BY Sharon Stone's vagina. Am I right?
Bloodrayne - It was based on a video game. Yup.
Lady in the Water - Lady = Turd. Water = Toilet.
Little Man - Big paycheck.
Wicker Man - I wish I could get paid millions of dollars to run around the forest in a bear suit.
WORST EXCUSE FOR FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT
Deck The Halls - Ferris Bueller's Mid-Life Crisis.
Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties - A friend of mine loves this movie. Look, Ang, he's eating lasagna again! HAHAHA!
RV - Robin, play creepy guy roles. The funny thing? It's over.
The Shaggy Dog - Oh, I remember this one! Tim Allen was in it. And, um, that blonde chick played his wife. Yeah.
Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - If I have to type another 'e' at the end of Clause ONE MORE TIME, my OCD is going to turn on me and chase me around the room with a stick.
I'm done! Hurray!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... The 2006 Razzie Nominations.
WORST PICTURE
Basic Instinct 2 - One of the first of many I didn't see. Being that it only made like 5 million bucks in the box office, you didn't either.
Bloodrayne - Uwe Boll's latest piece of shit turned out to be a piece of shit. Shocker there.
Lady In The Water - See, this sucks. I like Shamalamadingdong, but from what I heard, this thing was a mess. Note that I just typed "from what I heard".
Little Man - This thing reminds me of that old Eddie Murphy bit about getting drunk and voting for Jesse Jackson. "Let's go see Little Man." "Yeah!"
Wicker Man - Yet another in a long line of Nicholas Cage shitbombs. Dude, what happened? If you ruin "Ghost Rider", I'm gonna hunt you down and set YOUR head on fire.
WORST ACTOR
Tim Allen - The man's a multiple felon of craptasticness. "Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause". "The Shaggy Dog". "Zoom". He makes 3 shitfests, and still manages to make more money than I'll ever see in my lifetime. Tim, you and Nick Cage need to get together and go bowling.
Nicholas Cage - Speak of the devil.
Larry The Cable Guy - Looks like you went and got 'er done just fine, man. Ending your career, that is.
Rob Schneider - You know, I saw this guy one time in a movie theater in San Francisco, and I'll crap out a dozen nickels if he's more than five feet tall. Bonus points to anyone who can name the TWO Suckapaloozas this guy was in this year.
Marlon & Shawn Wayans - Ok, call me Kramer for saying this if you need to, but what the hell is it with black comedic actors that find it necessary to dress up like midgets or white girls or big fat black women to be funny? C'mon, Eddie Murphy - "Norbit"? What the fuck is that shit? You have the ability to make me piss my pants from thousands of miles away, and THAT'S what you stage a semi-comeback on? Anyway, remember the hot white girl in the Fly Girls on "In Living Color"? Man, she was hot.
WORST ACTRESS
Hillary & Hailey Duff - I couldn't be further from their demographic if I tried, but I'm really looking forward to seeing them get a little older and have to start making shitty someone-stole-my-baby movies on Lifetime instead of shitty someone-stole-my-boyfriend movies for the Disney Channel.
Lindsay Lohan - I don't really need to say anything, do I?
Kristanna Loken - Who?
Jessica Simpson - Unfortunately for her, tits do not equal acting ability. Fortunately for her, people that saw "Dukes of Hazzard" don't give a shit about acting ability and just wanna see some tits. You know what? Fuck this high-minded bullshit. Boobies rule! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sharon Stone - They should've skipped Sharon altogether and just put Amy Poehler in there instead. How much worse could it have been?
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Danny DeVito - He's never going to be funnier than he was in "Throw Momma From The Train". Except for his appearance on "The View", that is.
Ben Kingsley - Ghandi doing a Uwe Boll movie. Now I've seen everything.
M. Night Shyamalan - Here's a tip, Shammy - if you're going to insist upon being in your own movies, keep it to non-speaking roles. Non-speaking roles that don't cast you as a writer whose latest work will someday save the world, in particular. Christ.
Martin Short - Peaked with "Innerspace". Sorry.
David Thewlis - No! Not Professor Lupin!
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kate Bosworth - So she wasn't the best Lois Lane. I loved Bryan Singer's Superman, but yeah, she was a little off the mark. Rachel MacAdams would've been dead perfect, though. Yup.
Kristin Chenoweth - Hey! Another multiple offender. "Deck The Halls", "Pink Panther", and "RV". Don't worry, Kristin. I'm sure lots of tourists from the Midwest will continue to see "Wicked" for quite some time.
Carmen Electra - Oh, who cares. It's Carmen fuckin' Electra.
Jenny McCarthy - Spraying mustard on a hot dog for Rolling Stone? Brilliant. Hooking up with Jim Carrey? Wise. Doing anything but staying home and spraying mustard on a hot dog for Jim Carrey? Stupid.
Michelle Rodriguez - Ana-Lucia haters, unite!
WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Tim Allen & Martin Short - Ugh. I'm sure you two are the heartthrobs of the stay-at-home mom crowd, but otherwise? Fuck off.
Nicholas Cage & His Bear Suit - No shit, that's what the nomination says. "Nicholas Cage & His Bear Suit".
Hilary & Haylie Duff - See you both in 10 years on Skinemax.
Sharon Stone's Lopsided Breasts - I'd much rather see Amy Poehler's lopsided breasts.
Shawn Wayans & EITHER Kerry Washington OR Marlon Wayans - Oh, whatever. You know all three of these idiots are going to make another movie this year, so what difference does it make?
WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF
Little Man - Little Man 2 should open on the Fourth of July! HELL YEAH!
Pink Panther - Peter Sellers should rise from his grave and kill all of you! HELL YEAH!
Poseidon - Shelly Winters should rise from her grave and sit on all of you! HELL YEAH!
Wicker Man - Nicholas Cage should make "Raising Arizona 2". HELL YEAH!
The Shaggy Dog Story - Did anyone actually see this? HELL NO!
WORST PREQUEL OR SEQUEL
Basic Instinct 2 - Amy's skinny, but obviously really smart. Smart chicks are sexy.
Big Momma's House 2 - Is Eddie Murphy in this? Because I'm not seeing it unless Eddie Murphy is in it playing at least 9 roles.
Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties - I hope Bill Murray bought something really stupid and extravagant with the paycheck he got from this.
Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - Oh, "Clause". I get it.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - And the end.
WORST DIRECTOR
Uwe Boll - Winner!
Michael Caton-Jones - Seriously, Mike, Amy Poehler would've been great. She's even got the smoker's cough.
Ron Howard - Hey, I saw this one! How could he POSSIBLY have screwed up "The DaVinci Code"? He and Chris Columbus need to get together and go bowling. In hell.
M. Night Shyamalan - I wonder how many mirrors Shammy has on his sets at any given time.
Keenan Ivory Wayans - So Kee, seriously. The white Fly Girl. You still talk to her?
WORST SCREENPLAY
Basic Instinct 2 - Dear Joe Esterhuas: If the screenplay for the first movie was written ABOUT Sharon Stone's vagina, then this one must've been written BY Sharon Stone's vagina. Am I right?
Bloodrayne - It was based on a video game. Yup.
Lady in the Water - Lady = Turd. Water = Toilet.
Little Man - Big paycheck.
Wicker Man - I wish I could get paid millions of dollars to run around the forest in a bear suit.
WORST EXCUSE FOR FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT
Deck The Halls - Ferris Bueller's Mid-Life Crisis.
Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties - A friend of mine loves this movie. Look, Ang, he's eating lasagna again! HAHAHA!
RV - Robin, play creepy guy roles. The funny thing? It's over.
The Shaggy Dog - Oh, I remember this one! Tim Allen was in it. And, um, that blonde chick played his wife. Yeah.
Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - If I have to type another 'e' at the end of Clause ONE MORE TIME, my OCD is going to turn on me and chase me around the room with a stick.
I'm done! Hurray!
posted by Yummsh at 6:07 PM - Permalink
holla back, girls! - (0) comments thus far