Mewsic in the Morning

Stay on Target

I think we all know how irritating a screaming child in Target can be. I was in the absolutely sexless menswear department today, picking out some shorts that I really didn't like for my upcoming trip to Florida, and about 40 feet away, some anonymous child was crying louder than I've ever heard any other human cry in my lifetime. I mean, crying as in YELLING. Not just crying because they're pissed or upset or just crapped themselves, I mean SCREAMING. Screaming to the point where they've lost complete control of their entire body, and have begun to choke and cough and spit blood into dark religious-themed paintings on the wall as a result. Have you ever sat and listened to a child cough and almost choke because they're crying so hard? After a while, it gets to be quite comical. I don't hate children, and I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but it's funny. Damn funny. If we all lived in the world that I'm in, we'd see them on videotaped Christmas mornings on AFV all the time. "Look, Billy, here's when you were 7, and you cried so hard your left eyeball popped out. Watch! It lands in the candy dish, and Grandpa almost eats it. THERE! Did you see? We won 10 grand because of that!"

Also, if anyone has a particular fetish for that particular type of young businesswoman that likes to play dress-up every day and pretend they're on Sex in the City, Target is the PERFECT place to find them. They're everywhere. Young, suburban professional women dressed in usually-all-black business attire and ridiculously expensive hairdos, picking through the discount makeup bins and greeting card stands on their lunch breaks. Sure, they wish they could be thumbing through the Donna Karan racks at Macy's up in the city and living their Sarah Jessica Parker fantasies. For now, though, they're content with a salad at Wegman's, 17 different women's magazines that all want them to able to please their man, and a "The Devil Wears Prada" DVD to watch later tonight after their man shows up drunk again.

They're so cute. They remind me of my niece playing with her tiny plastic kitchen in the basement of my sister's house. Someday, it will be for real.