Hot for Teacher

Doesn't Mary-Louise Parker and her white-hot hotness make you think of that grade school teacher you used to have a crush on? Older, cooler, nicer than any of the other fossils you'd had as teachers in the years before, and causing some terrifying brand of weirdness and despair deep down in your Toughskins? I still can't convince myself that this woman is 42.



I know that picture has been 'Shopped quite a bit, but you know what? Big deal. I have no idea if she's had any kind of plastic surgery or not, but to me, what makes her so gorgeous in pretty much every other picture of herself that hasn't been altered is that she looks REAL. She doesn't have that high-grade plastic sheen that so many "beauties" in Hollywood have, and I think that's what I appreciate her about her most. Sure, Biel's got it where it counts, but for some reason, I imagine her having to plug herself into the wall when she goes to sleep so that she doesn't deflate overnight.

Anyway, snakes, naked women, and marijuana? Count me in. I've only seen a handful of episodes of "Weeds" so far, but if the third season continues this whole nudity/giant reptiles angle, I might just have to watching them again. Come on - you think Britney's going to be able to pull off the snake thing at age 42? Doubtful. With the rate she's going, I'll be surprised if she's even able to stand up on her own at that age.

Behold! THE FUTURE!

For those of you who are sick to death of The Worst President Ever making the United States look like it's populated by a bunch of retarded cowboys on a Friday night bender, let me further infuriate you with this.



They all look like a bunch of little kids playing dress-up, don't they? It's almost kind of cute. I wonder how many of them will be imprisoned later in life for disemboweling a teenage hooker.

Sickening. What's the matter with these kids? Do you think that if any ONE of these dimbulbs had to pay their own way through the big fancy colleges that they all seem to be from, they'd still label themselves as Young Republicans? If you think this is sad, imagine the conversations with their rich, white-bread parents that made them all this way. See, that's the worst part about this brand of fertilizer - it keeps perpetuating itself, generation by generation. These people are like gonorrhea-infested luggage - they're going to be with us FOREVER and EVER.

What strikes me the most about them is how clearly and succinctly ALL of their cute little talking points line up - I have an injury, so I can't enlist. Fight them over there, so we don't have to do it here. I support the war because Elisabeth Hasselbeck told me to. Oh, and also because I just LOVE the idea of our government wasting billions of taxpayer dollars a month for no apparent reason other than because they have no idea how to STOP.

For as blatantly stupid and self-involved as these little bastards seem, you've gotta admit - they're organized. I bet all their socks are lined up nice and neat in their sock drawers, too. It's odd that a group of people obviously priding itself on being organized and communal would associate itself with the current Republican Party. It's like a tiny little army of Felix Ungers joining forces with the Dadaists.

Now, I'm not saying that each and every one of these kids is lying through their teeth about the enlistment thing, but honestly - would it be SO detrimental to their future political gains to just come out and ADMIT that they simply don't think they'd make a very good soldier? The profession is clearly not for everyone, so why blatantly lie about it? The only one of these kids that I even remotely respect is the one that said he has more of a business career in mind for himself. I can at least respect him for being honest about his vile, greedheaded douchebaggery.

It strikes me as some twisted new addition to political correctness - to say that you'd join the armed forces 'if you could'. It holds about as much warmth and authenticity as 'Charmed, I'm sure.'

It's ironic that someone looking to protect their future career goals in politics would choose to do so by telling a blatant lie to a video camera while attending a political event. Think about it - these types of people WONDER why they always find themselves suspender-deep in political scandal. Then again, I guess we're talking about young, new-wealthy, highly impressionable Republicans here, so what else did I really expect?

Oh, and the guy in the white t-shirt? Gay. Definitely gay. It's okay, though - I'm sure he's a Log Cabiner.

Gayest. Jail. Ever.

I knew some crazy shit happened in prison, but this thing takes the cake AND the file baked inside of it. Check it out. Oh, and yes - that's a guy.



That's right, kids - just in case the Thriller dance you performed at your wedding goes horribly wrong and lands you in the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Philippines, just know that it probably won't be all that bad in there. Hear that, Lindsay? Bottoms up, buttercup! Maybe you'll get a part if they ever re-make 'Cry Baby'.