Sit down and shut up. Then leave.

So I saw 'Eastern Promises' last night, and although it was ruined for me by sub-humans who couldn't or wouldn't keep their fat fucking popcorn-packed gobs shut in public for the sake of a better communal experience for anyone other than themselves, I really enjoyed it. Viggo Mortensen has really hit his stride with this one, and I hope he continues to make as many good choices in movies in the future. I'm just happy that Peter Jackson made him enough money so that he doesn't have to do 'Daddy Day Care 4' when The Rock dies of diaper rash.

First, the dumbfucks. A youngish couple to my upper left were closest. The guy wouldn't shut his yap for the entire movie, having gotten bored when he found out there weren't going to be any fag jokes or "Stomp The Yard"-esque dance numbers in it. Instead of trying to watch the movie and elevate his IQ above a fourth-grade level, he instead decided to spend the next 90 minutes ad-libbing lines for the characters and trying to make his girlfriend laugh. I don't think I heard her as much as chuckle. To think she probably went home last night and let him lie on top of her like a big pile of unfunny laundry turns my stomach.

Second, a woman in a wheelchair and her husband down in the front row. I'm not one to make fun of the handicapped at all, but come on - when said handicapped person spends an entire movie talking at full volume and repeatedly sending her husband to the snack bar for god knows what, forcing him to have to walk across the entire theater making as much noise as possible, how am I supposed to not hate them? HOW? The husband was no prize, either. Every ten minutes or so, he'd cough or clear his throat and make the most disgusting, wet, slobbering mess of a sound that I equate to what is heard when a dead seal is pulled out of a sewer pipe in the outer harbor. I made a point to chuck a handful of popcorn at their heads every 20 minutes or so. They never even blinked.

Oh yeah, I saw a movie while I was there, too. I think it was called 'A Promise Ring For Easter' or something. Like I said, I really enjoyed it. Liked the tone, all the acting, (Naomi Watts was really underused, though, and she's usually one of my favorites) setpieces, action, pretty much everything. The accents and storyline were somewhat confusing at times, though. I got the whole Russian mob/sex slave thing, but what exactly happened at the end? Did Nikolai and Kirill whack Semyon and take over? There was a lot I missed near the end thanks to the brain-dead jackasses I was fortunate enough to share a theater with, so please, if you've seen it - fill me in. I plan to watch this again on DVD in the sanctity of my living room, a place where if you talk or make a shitload of noise when you're not supposed to, I have every right to smack you in the head. You're all invited to join me, of course.

From what I saw and managed to comprehend, though, I really dug it. The sauna scene was as brutal as I'd hoped, and to all my gays and ladyfriends out there, you're probably going to enjoy seeing Viggo's viggo flopping all over when he fights those two dudes completely buck naked like his name was George Costanza. You gotta give a man like Viggo some respect when he films a scene like that in a movie like this. Talk about letting it all hang out.

A fine job from Mr. David Cronenberg. Certainly one of his more accessible films, but it was nice to see that, actually. The guy deserves a little mainstream recognition now and again. Now, if I can just convince him to put a disclaimer in front of all his films stating if you talk in the theater during them, you'll have to knife-fight a Russian mobster naked in the shower as punishment, all will be well.

Wait.

So when you finish a draft of a blog post that you started a few days ago, it gets posted as if you actually wrote it a few days ago? Gee, thanks, Doc Brown.

Free Rainbows

No, I'm not campaigning to get some hippie protestor out of jail, I'm just plugging 'In Rainbows', the new Radiohead album that you can buy via their website. Here's the catch, though - you can pay whatever you want for it. Don't feel like giving them a dime? Fine. Plug in a big fat zero, and away you go. Just register at their site, and stand by until October 10th when you can download it.

You can also buy the ginormous 'discbox' there, too, and that includes the album on both CD and vinyl, extra songs, artwork, and Thom Yorke's lazy eye, but that thing costs like 80 bucks. It looks pretty cool, but 80 bucks? I'll settle for an artless download for three bucks, thanks very much.

UPDATE: For those of you too sissy-ass to drop a couple bucks on music you haven't heard yet, here is a track-by-track breakdown compiled from live Radiohead recordings of what the new songs on 'In Rainbows' might sound like. Are you the kind of person who insists upon getting a sample of ice cream before you buy a cone? I'll bet you are.