By The Power of Dumbledore's Wand!

Okay, first and foremost, because I'm a dork, some spoilers from the Harry Potter books are in this post. If you haven't read them all, there is more to life than Joan Collins. Just so you know.

Okay.

See, if you thought that Ellen Degeneres having a conniption fit on national television because she can't read the fine print was the weirdest shit that was going to happen this week, it just goes to show that you're just not trying hard enough.

Albus Dumbledore is gay.

That's right - JK Rowling made a stop on her book tour in NYC last night, (she spoke at this tiny little jazzbo club called Carnegie Hall, not sure if you've heard of it or not) and when asked if Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter's mentor and friend, had ever found love in his lifetime, (yes, you and I know that it's ridiculous to ask such questions about a fictional character who also happens to be dead, but what we also know is that having more than 3 cats is just WAY too much) she admitted that she had intended him to be gay. Not only was he gay, but also smitten over the course of his lifetime with his boyhood friend and archrival, Gellert Grindelwald, whom he had beaten in an incredibly phallic battle to determine the fate of the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in all of wizardry.

Not really much to say here, actually. Okay, two things. First, you're telling me that Rita Skeeter wouldn't have found out about this first? C'mon. Second, I'd always thought that Severus Snape was the swishy one, myself. I mean, come on - he can usually be found in the potions closet, he was harrassed a lot as a kid, and what's more, he's goth as HELL. You don't exactly need the Marauder's Map to figure that one out.

Thumb Wars

I really need to start posting here more often (I guess), so what that means is that as the frequency of posts increases, the importance and weight of what gets posted goes straight down the shitter. So here we go. I'll continue doing this until I don't give a shit anymore and go back to posting every three weeks or so.

1. I woke up this morning with a REALLY sore thumb. Like, I can barely move it. WTF? What could I possibly have done to my thumb while I was sleeping? I've never sucked my thumb in my life, and from what I know, I've never hitchhiked, either. Especially not in my sleep.

2. Do I really need to give a shit about Ellen DeGeneres' dog? I've heard lesbians get insane about their dogs, but for fuck's sake, settle DOWN. Somewhere in the world in a sweatshop, a live feed from a car battery is being placed over someone's nipple so they'll crank out a few more lead-painted pacifiers per hour, and these rich bitches are crying on television about some $1000 dog that would probably make a pretty good soccer ball. Wanna laugh? Read this. It ain't just the famous people that are insane. Hey! Crazy people on the internet! Your kids are hungry and the house is on fire!

3. You'll probably see this a thousand times by the end of the week and get real sick of it real quick, but for a good, cheap, meaningless thrill, (the best kind) check this out -



Indian people love disco! Who knew? Oh yeah - everyone. That's who.

4. LINDSAY IS ALREADY DRINKING AGAIN! HURRAY! DIE, SKANK, DIE!


Okay, it's happened - I don't give a shit anymore. Done.

I'm getting married! :)

You read it right - I am officially off the market. I've found my one and only, my soulmate, the one girl in the whole world that really makes me feel like I'm not alone anymore. Sorry to smash your dreams, Diablo Cody, Zoe Bell, and Pam from The Office, but you'll all just have to find someone else. I'll still keep your numbers, though. You know, just in case.

Anyway, meet my beloved -



Isn't she wonderful? It's not every day you find a woman that can put into interpretive dance the way I feel every day at any given moment. You don't meet someone who can wear big gobs of hangy tinsel shit from her elbows like she can just any old time, and you CERTAINLY don't meet anyone with hair that ridiculous all that often. Except if you're in Jersey.

So it's official. We're getting hitched, and you're all invited! Please come and help us put this motherfucker to shame! Shouldn't really be too hard to do that, though. I mean, really - what the hell kind of Star Wars wedding can you have with fuckin' Metallica playing? In any case, I'm sure our first lightsaber duel will be WAY better than theirs. Like, WAY.