Cute Kittens: 2. Christmas: 0.

This adorable kitten has nothing to do with Christmas at all. See, unlike Christmas, it's AUTHENTICALLY heart-warming, cute and Awwwwwww!-inducing. If this kitten could speak, (much like those cute kittens of a few days ago can) I'm entirely sure it would say, 'Fuck you, Christmas! You've got nothing on me! I'm the real damn deal, and all you are is a bunch of fake plastic store-bought bullshit spray-painted with gold-flecked paint! You can take all your unattainable, shamefully overpriced toys that parents around the globe kill each other for to give to their fat, spoiled children and insert them directly into your fruitcake-spewing ass! Tell Santa he can suck my tiny little lipstick-resembling kitten dick, you trademarked motherfucker!"

With that said, please to enjoy.



Awwwwwww!

ALVIN! I SUMMON THEE INTO HELL, ALVIN!

One of the only Christmas songs I can stomach without wanting to set a shopping mall on fire is Alvin & The Chipmunks' 'A Chipmunk Christmas'. Not entirely sure why, really. Even serial killers make mix tapes. Anyway, thanks to the magic of the internet and a few people out on that there internet who are much cooler and in touch than I am, I present to you Patton Oswalt and his favorite Christmas memory -




Don't believe him? Check it out for yourself -




You know, it's not so much that Dave sounds like a demon from the seventh crispy layer of Taco Bell Hell that creeps me out, it's the fact that Alvin, Simon, & Theodore sound like such normal guys. Did they really have to sing that slow? What about the music? How did they time it all so it worked out so perfectly? Did doing that song get them laid? How often, and by whom?

You thought I was pissy and bitter before? HA! It's Christmastime. You don't know the MEANING of pissy and bitter. Stay tuned.