. He bites. Hard. 
OMG! It's President Mom!
I haven't really weighed in on the Sarah Palin travesty yet, but honestly, I think Matt Damon's recent video clip about how her nomination seems like the plot to a really bad Disney movie just about sums it up for me. For the most part, I think actors should really kinda shut the fuck up when it comes to politics, but in this case, I think he's pretty much hit the nail on the head. Check it out.
Think about it - is it really that far-fetched? Sarah Palin's story could EASILY be a movie. I haven't really thought about casting yet, as any Hollywood limousine liberal wouldn't touch this thing with a ten-foot pole, but I'm absolutely thinking that Sarah Palin should play herself. Why? Well, based on what we've seen so far of her, she's obviously really good at playing pretend. Definite bonus there. Besides that, though, I'd think that any other woman with five children would be far too busy taking care of them and making sure they're not getting knocked up by braindead rednecks to be acting in a movie, for chrissakes.
Our movie opens in the Alaskan wilderness with Sarah out hunting for moose and staring menacingly out at Russia from the bank of a scenic, CGI-enhanced stream. Her husband Todd (played by political mastermind Chuck Norris) pulls up on a snowmobile and tells her that she just got summoned for jury duty. Aw shucks! That means she'll have to drive 7,000 miles into town next week to take care of it! Sarah Palin would never think of getting out of jury duty, after all - it's her duty as an American. So she rounds up the kids, cancels her wolf-hunting trip for that weekend (she never did like to fly, anyway), packs up the coal-burning SUV, and sets out on her way for the bright lights of the big city.
OMG - ROAD TRIP! Jury duty, here we come! Look, kids - a black person!
After a slapstick orientation session at the court house that features LOTS of falling down, a bumbling court clerk (played by Edie McClurg) who's just trying like the dickens to get through her first day at work finally gets Sarah all ready to go for jury duty. Unfortunately for her (but fortunate for us!), there's all sorts of kookiness going on with her paperwork. Uh-oh! Looks like the bumbling court clerk accidentally filed her paperwork in the wrong place, and now our Sarah has just inadvertently applied to be the President of the United States! Because, you know, that's totally how you do that!
A shiny, noisy, colorful montage of all kinds of crap that has nothing to do with the movie at all TOTALLY explains how Sarah goes on to win the Presidency, and from here on out, it's party time! President Mom puts a hockey rink in the Lincoln Bedroom! Everyone's allowed to totally shoot stuff in the Rose Garden now! Pyew-pyew! Jesus moves in next door to the White House! Oh, that wacky Jesus! Always doing something wacky!
The grand ol' party at the White House almost gets brought to a standstill by that scary black man that Sarah and the kids saw on their way to the big city, though. You know, the one with the college degrees from Columbia and Harvard. BOOOOO! See, the scary black man's done a lot of stuff that Sarah hasn't, and for that reason, he's just no fun at all. I mean, we can't have someone at a party who has, like, graduated magna cum laude from Harvard, can we? Heck no! I mean, he's always running his big gob about how totally lame needless, expensive wars and stuff are, too! What's up with that? Too much smart guy stuff for this fiesta, am I right? You betcha! Pass the salsa, Levi! (Levi's the guy who just won't stop fucking Sarah's teenage daughter. Silly ol' named-after-some-pants Levi!)
No worries, though - the scary black man's taken down a peg or three at the big hockey party in the Lincoln Bedroom that night. Sarah and her crew push him out onto the ice, and before long, he falls on his bottom in a great big washtub of butterscotch! HA HA HA! Not so smart now, are ya, Mr. Civil Rights Attorney? Community organize your way outta that one, First African-American Editor of the Harvard Law Review!
So with the scary black man FINALLY out of the picture, Sarah and the rest of the party carry on for the next four years, and what a party it is. Naked Twister on a giant copy of the Constitution! Monster truck rallies on the South Lawn! Hundreds of adorable little babies that look just like Levi! Awwwwww, look! Babies!
As we fade to black on our nation... I mean, on our story, a magical bunch of hockey sticks floats up towards the sky, and what is that they're spelling against the ominous grey clouds? The End? Why yes! Yes, it most certainly is. Bye-bye, ya'll!
Think about it - is it really that far-fetched? Sarah Palin's story could EASILY be a movie. I haven't really thought about casting yet, as any Hollywood limousine liberal wouldn't touch this thing with a ten-foot pole, but I'm absolutely thinking that Sarah Palin should play herself. Why? Well, based on what we've seen so far of her, she's obviously really good at playing pretend. Definite bonus there. Besides that, though, I'd think that any other woman with five children would be far too busy taking care of them and making sure they're not getting knocked up by braindead rednecks to be acting in a movie, for chrissakes.
Our movie opens in the Alaskan wilderness with Sarah out hunting for moose and staring menacingly out at Russia from the bank of a scenic, CGI-enhanced stream. Her husband Todd (played by political mastermind Chuck Norris) pulls up on a snowmobile and tells her that she just got summoned for jury duty. Aw shucks! That means she'll have to drive 7,000 miles into town next week to take care of it! Sarah Palin would never think of getting out of jury duty, after all - it's her duty as an American. So she rounds up the kids, cancels her wolf-hunting trip for that weekend (she never did like to fly, anyway), packs up the coal-burning SUV, and sets out on her way for the bright lights of the big city.
OMG - ROAD TRIP! Jury duty, here we come! Look, kids - a black person!
After a slapstick orientation session at the court house that features LOTS of falling down, a bumbling court clerk (played by Edie McClurg) who's just trying like the dickens to get through her first day at work finally gets Sarah all ready to go for jury duty. Unfortunately for her (but fortunate for us!), there's all sorts of kookiness going on with her paperwork. Uh-oh! Looks like the bumbling court clerk accidentally filed her paperwork in the wrong place, and now our Sarah has just inadvertently applied to be the President of the United States! Because, you know, that's totally how you do that!
A shiny, noisy, colorful montage of all kinds of crap that has nothing to do with the movie at all TOTALLY explains how Sarah goes on to win the Presidency, and from here on out, it's party time! President Mom puts a hockey rink in the Lincoln Bedroom! Everyone's allowed to totally shoot stuff in the Rose Garden now! Pyew-pyew! Jesus moves in next door to the White House! Oh, that wacky Jesus! Always doing something wacky!
The grand ol' party at the White House almost gets brought to a standstill by that scary black man that Sarah and the kids saw on their way to the big city, though. You know, the one with the college degrees from Columbia and Harvard. BOOOOO! See, the scary black man's done a lot of stuff that Sarah hasn't, and for that reason, he's just no fun at all. I mean, we can't have someone at a party who has, like, graduated magna cum laude from Harvard, can we? Heck no! I mean, he's always running his big gob about how totally lame needless, expensive wars and stuff are, too! What's up with that? Too much smart guy stuff for this fiesta, am I right? You betcha! Pass the salsa, Levi! (Levi's the guy who just won't stop fucking Sarah's teenage daughter. Silly ol' named-after-some-pants Levi!)
No worries, though - the scary black man's taken down a peg or three at the big hockey party in the Lincoln Bedroom that night. Sarah and her crew push him out onto the ice, and before long, he falls on his bottom in a great big washtub of butterscotch! HA HA HA! Not so smart now, are ya, Mr. Civil Rights Attorney? Community organize your way outta that one, First African-American Editor of the Harvard Law Review!
So with the scary black man FINALLY out of the picture, Sarah and the rest of the party carry on for the next four years, and what a party it is. Naked Twister on a giant copy of the Constitution! Monster truck rallies on the South Lawn! Hundreds of adorable little babies that look just like Levi! Awwwwww, look! Babies!
As we fade to black on our nation... I mean, on our story, a magical bunch of hockey sticks floats up towards the sky, and what is that they're spelling against the ominous grey clouds? The End? Why yes! Yes, it most certainly is. Bye-bye, ya'll!
posted by Yummsh at 10:03 AM - Permalink
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