Paper Planes and Movie Names

Most, but probably not all, of my favorite movies of 2007, in no particular order:

No Country For Old Men - You've heard a thousand critics tell you this again and again, but yes, it really is that good. I haven't seen 'There Will Be Blood' yet, but until I do, No Country gets my vote for this year's Oscar Magnet. 2007 was The Year That Josh Brolin Built, and it's no surprise to me that two of his movies from this year are on my Best Of list. Remember Brand from 'The Goonies'? Yeah, same guy. Oh, and Javier Bardem really is hiding in your closet right now. No, really - he is.

Ratatouille - Anyone who didn't enjoy this movie is a fucking idiot. If you're still of the notion that animated movies are for children, not only are you said fucking idiot, but you're also heartless, soulless, and I don't ever want to be your friend. Ever.

Transformers - Know which part I liked best? The part where all the giant fucking robots beat the dogshit out of each other. Oh, and the extreme close-up of Megan Fox's sweaty, glistening, grease-stained hip while she was bent over the front end of Bumblebee. I would eat Rocky Road ice cream out of that woman's ass without even blinking an eye. That's saying quite a lot, if you think about it.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Remember the part in Die Hard 4: Just Fucking Die Already where McClane shoots the guy out of the helicopter with the busted fire hydrant, and after the guy falls 80 feet and lands on the concrete, he's still alive? Yeah, there's nothing like that in The Bourne Ultimatum at all. Hands down, this is the smartest, most thrilling action movie I've seen in years. It kinda sucked that Franka Potente and her sexy-ass biceps aren't in it, but at least we got to see Bourne kill a man with a hardback book and a towel. Holla!

Hot Fuzz - Miles better than Shaun of the Dead, (which I love, too) Edgar Wright shows that British people actually DO have a sense of humor. Do you miss Monty Python? Look no further. Between this and 'Don't!', his short for the intermission of Grindhouse, Edgar fuckin' killed it this year. Plus, he got to meet, shamelessly flirt with, and sing 'Eastbound & Down" with Diablo Cody while on the goddamn radio. Lucky bastard.

Grindhouse - The best time I've ever had in a movie theater. Period. Granted, I've never had sex or made out in a movie theater before, (too busy actually watching the goddamned movie, I guess) so I may be a little biased, but still - Grindhouse was the awesomes, a giant boot-shaped notch on Josh Brolin's leather-and-metal-stud-encrusted belt of asskickery. Planet Terror got a little silly after a while, but Death Proof is officially one of my favorite Tarantino movies to date. I LIKE listening to women talk, okay? Fuck ya. Besides, it's got multiple extended shots of Zoe Bell's bared abdominal muscles. If you're thinking of not seeing Grindhouse, DON'T!

Zodiac - I have a feeling this movie is going to get the assfucking of all assfuckings at this year's Oscars, and mainly because people that live in Hollywood have the attention span of a squashed gnat. Zodiac is one of Fincher's finest, but the simple fact that it came out way back at the beginning of 2007 has GOT to hurt its chances for any recognition. It doesn't have anything to do with Britney shitting her pants or Dr. Phil being there to clean up the mess or anything, so I guess I can understand why it's going to be forgotten about this year. Anyway, it rocked. Charles Fleischer (aka Roger Rabbit) needs to play the role of Terrifying Guy WAY more often, and man, that animated shot of the Transamerica Pyramid being built is seriously one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Being homesick sucks. :(

The Darjeeling Limited - You know why Wes Anderson kinda sticks to a formula for his movies? Yeah, it's mainly because that formula works. Watching one of his movies is like when you were a kid and you used to stare into your dollhouse, just wishing that all of the tiny little toys inside of it would come alive and start playing on their own.

Enchanted - Yeah, I know. It's not a dick-swinging boy movie or a quirky indie flick or the latest Pixar masterpiece, so what's it doing on here? What are you, a faggot or somethin'? Well, no, but like Grindhouse, seeing Enchanted was probably one of the best times I've had in the movies this year. Yeah, Patrick Dempsey was annoying, and I doubt I'll be seeing it again if my 4-year-old niece isn't in the room. Speaking of my niece, though, it was her that I got to watch fight invisible dragons when we got home from the theater that day. It was her that I got to dance with in our seats during the ballroom scene, and it was her that laughed her ass off when the pigeon ate the cockroach. So that's what it's doing on here. Faggot.

Knocked Up - I happened to watch 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin' for a second time since it came out, and you know what? I didn't like it as much as I did the first time. Carrell is hilarious as ever, but Catharine Keener is as stiff as a board. A good 80% of the jokes aren't nearly as funny once you've heard them and reacted to them already, and as far as the extended DVD cut of it goes, it's just SO. DAMN. LONG. Do comedies really need to be more than two hours? Sure, Knocked Up was two hours long, too, but it's a much better movie. Not only does it manage to be far more mature and intelligent than 40YOV and yet still be silly as hell, ("There are five different kinds of chairs in this hotel room!") but it actually managed to bring a bit of fun back to the movie genre I loathe the most - the romantic comedy. Plus, you get to see a plastic rendition of Katherine Heigl's pussy. See? I told you I wasn't a faggot or somethin'.

Nancy Drew - Okay, now I've really lost it, right? Not only am I a faggot, but I'm also a pedophile. Well, not really. Sure, the movie wasn't the greatest thing ever made. The kid named Corky was begging DESPERATELY for a punch in the face, and it was about as deep as a puddle, but in a world where movies like "Bratz" can get made and essentially teach our young women how to be materialistic, jealous, subservient, boy-crazy idiots whose main goal in life is to become a pink plastic fuckdoll, I don't think that a movie about a smart teenage girl detective is all that bad of an option. Besides, as long as she doesn't inherit her aunt's horseface, Emma Roberts is going to be gorgeous. Just you watch. I just hope she didn't see "Bratz".

All the Big Summer Sequels - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix. Ocean's Thirteen. Spider-Man 3. Unless they completely suck ass like the Fantastic Four movies, (never seen either of 'em, thanks very much) I LOVE blockbusters. I couldn't give less of a shit what all the cool kids say on all the cool kid sites. I love the size, I love the spectacle, and I don't care who knows it. I was raised on these kinds of movies. The Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies are the very fabric of my childhood, and I get all funny in the pants when I hear that I get to go hang out with all my favorite movie friends one more time and then go get a Slurpee afterwards. Take your indie arthouse fare and cram it up your skinny white ass, for all I care.

Juno - Speaking of indie arthouse fare you can shove up your skinny white ass, Ellen Page as Juno bugged the crap out of me. I know that this movie is the cutesy-wootsy quirksy-wirksy kissycakes movie of the year, but she grates my nerves like they were made of cheese. I get that Juno is cool and precocious, and that she runs her mouth as a defense mechanism, but OMG SHUT UP!!1! Do you need to talk that much? Don't you kids just text each other now instead of talking, anyway? GOD! Anyway, Michael Cera was the best part of this movie by a long shot. If he doesn't fuck up somewhere and become a Beck impersonator, he's going to be one to watch. I did enjoy it, though. I mean, Diablo Cody wrote it, and she's hot. Like, really hot. If you look her up in the dictionary, there's a burned-out hole where her picture used to be. So there.

Honorable Mentions That I Don't Feel Like Writing A Long-Ass Review For

Michael Clayton - Tom Wilkinson really is insane. No, really.
Eastern Promises - Cronenberg comes THIS CLOSE to delving head-first into the gay porn industry. Great, great movie. Viggo FTW!
3:10 to Yuma - Batman vs. Gladiator. Awesome.
Sweeney Todd - Edward Scissorhands: The Musical. The world needs more bloody, violent gay musicals.
American Gangster - Malcolm X vs. Gladiator. Awesome.
Surf's Up - A surprisingly-not-terrible animated movie starring surfing penguins. Whoever cast Jeff Bridges as the stoned-out surfing legend penguin is an absolute genius. My niece has ALL the toys from this movie. ALL.
TMNT - Heroes on the halfshell, bitches! Not the greatest story in the world, but the animation was straight out of the '80s RPG. Anyone who says they don't enjoy watching turtles karate-fight each other is lying.
300 - When I got out of this movie, I wanted to do two things - work out and yell at people.
The Simpsons Movie - C'mon, it's the Simpsons. You got to see Bart's dick. What's not to like?
Black Snake Moan - Christina Ricci in her underwear and Sammy Jack with a bad-ass reverse mohawk and a blues guitar. Oh, and some kick-ass barbeque. I shouldn't have to say anything else.
Superbad - Not my favorite Apatow movie, but I'll give it two things - first, Michael Cera. The guy's just the real damn deal no matter which way you slice it. Second, it was a REAL teen comedy. You know, for teenagers. It wasn't just made ironically to satisfy the nostalgic jerk-off needs of all the pissy-pants thirtysomethings who need movies to remind them of how fucking horrible/magical high school was. No matter what you think, no one really wants to rape your childhood. Your childhood was ugly, clumsy, and clogged with blackheads. Deal with it.

Okay, I guess that's it. Go watch the paper airplane again.