Happy 4th, Bitches!

Just remember, kids - this great big beautiful country of ours was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. America... FUCK YEAH!

What Makes Me Happy - Fugazi Live Series

Okay, I had absolutely no idea, but apparently for the past 4 years, Joe Lally of Fugazi has been compiling something called the Fugazi Live Series - live concert recordings of his band which he then made into CDs and sold for 10 bucks apiece (cheap!) on the Dischord website. Where the hell have I been? There are 30 of the damn things for sale over there, and until about an hour ago, I had no idea they even existed. Serves me right for living out in the fuckin' sticks where truly awesome news like this apparently doesn't reach. I'm such a dumbass.

In any case, go check out some of the discs, and in the meantime, here's a clip of the greatest fuckin' band in the world playing 'Smallpox Champion'. Watch it and weep.

What Makes Me Happy - Marjorie Phelps

Today is the 88th birthday of my grandmother, Marjorie Phelps. She passed away last August, and the world is pretty much of a shittier place because of it. Not that it wouldn't still be kind of a shitty place even if she were still alive, but you know what I mean. Anyway, here's a story.

Margie was a churchgoing woman, so when we were kids, my sister and I never, ever heard her swear. I mean like ever. She wouldn't say the word 'shit' if she had a mouthful, so the one time I heard the woman cuss still sticks in my brain. It was around the holidays, and as per usual, she had made an absolute shit ton of food for dinner and had stored it all in the tiny little refrigerator she and my grandfather had had since about 1950. Anyway, the thing was absolutely STOCKED with every kind of holiday food item you could name - main courses, appetizers, drinks, finger foods, desserts, snacks for later after everyone had recovered from their food coma and discovered they were still hungry... EVERYTHING.

So about an hour before dinner, my uncle went into the fridge for a Pepsi or somesuch, and in the course of doing so, he knocked a tray or two of food from its place in the refrigerator. CRASH! You could hear it all over the house, and my uncle KNEW he was in trouble. Margie worked for DAYS getting ready for the big holiday meals, so as he watched the trays of food become unsituated from their respective places in the fridge, he let loose with a mighty swear of his own. I forget what it was exactly, but I'm sure you can imagine. I'm not sure if it was a reaction to what he had just done or a precursor to the amount of shit he knew he was going to be in once my grandmother found out, but it hardly mattered.

My sister and I were in the living room doing who knows what, and my grandmother and mother were at the dining room table with their backs to the fridge. When she heard the gi-normous CRASH from the kitchen, something in her snapped. 'GODDAMNIT, JEFFREY!' she roared. 'STAY THE HELL OUT OF THERE UNTIL IT'S TIME TO EAT!'

My sister and I just sat there, frozen. The looks on our faces said it all - 'Holy shit!' we thought. 'Grandma just fuckin' SWORE!' We whirled around to look, and the look on her face was just crushed. I vaguely remember her running off into her room, and I don't think she came out for like an hour. My mother had to go in there and console her about it until she came out with apologies to us kids positively running from her mouth. Yeah, Grandma, like we've never heard anything like that. You obviously don't know your daughter very well.

Anyway, here's to you, Margie. Whenever I'm at Bob's Big Boy, I always want to be the lucky one who gets to sit next to you. Big Boy and coffee, right?

What Makes Me Happy - ScriptGirl

Alright, so ScriptGirl is apparently this script supervisor in Hollywood who keeps a video blog detailing all of the newest movie scripts being optioned out there, and to be quite frank, 99% of them sound like absolute horseshit. We can only hope and pray that the majority of them never see the light of day. However, as you'll see in this example of one of her videos, the scripts she describes aren't nearly the most important thing about her blog. Yes, I'm a pig, and I admit fully that most of the words that come out of this woman's mouth never even register in my ears. Take a look.



Gorgeous. Yes, she's using her striking beauty to manipulate stupid men like me to watch her videos, and goddamnit, it's working. I would gladly listen to her rattle on about the big-screen adaption of 'My Mother The Car' starring Lindsay Lohan, Drew Barrymore, and Keanu Reeves for DAYS if it meant she'd seriously consider just one more button. Would some powerful, connected tit man out there in Hollywood please give this woman a job on television? Preferably somewhere warm? Thanks in advance.